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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter, and those that matter, don't mind.
I've had a boring day. and it seems to want to end. but not yet.
I haven't wrote in a while, and i regret doing so. i normally see a better difference in myself after writing... getting things off my chest, and helping me talk things through in my head.
As usual, that flame, that i spoke of on the 25th of last month, is down to glowing embers again.. no apparent flame, but still, enough fury in the amber to still burn deep. those embers intend on leaving more than a burned abrasion. they are searing to the soul, as sharp as a razor blade, they burn hot, and cut deep. my heart, seems empty, with only daydreams and wants to fill it.
Again, i'm in need of change. wether it be in a physical form, or mental.. i need it. A song i hold dear leads to say, one of the greatest things to ever experience is "love, and to be loved." I wonder if my chance will come. a chance that actually counts. and where am i going with my life? and where should i go? i sometimes feel like my footing is tight and well placed on the balance beam of what seems to be this "reality," however, there are many times that I feel my time is sickingly being waisted by what would seem to be "opportunity" that could turn to be someone elses opportunity. What do I want to do? Where to I want to go? Will I ever get there? ... beauty in the "moment" only fades.
I wonder if there is somewhere to go to meet the perfect person.. and then i am quickly reminded that i am no where good to meet anyone perfect. my time in this blackhole has only provided me with knowledge that there just isn't much to look at here. i now know the truth... the box, that one becomes so too familiar with, must soon be broken down.. I want to go places and I want to see things that aren't offered to me here. i have had to deal with the shit end of the stick my hole life here. I've had plenty of "breaks" but none that offers more than a pat on the back and smile as you go back to where you come from.
Even the high school here doesn't offer its students with what most high schools would consider to be normal, basic, opportunities to its pupils. as math classes are erased, and as drivers ed classes are budgeted... the agricultural sciences grow, more than half of this schools curriculum derives from a farm, where the students will reside to after their diploma. It is critical to this community to teach only what the future needs to know to keep this place alive. Grow corn and tobacco, and everything will be alright. Raise horses and buy cattle, and you will never go wrong.
I'm thinking that school is my best option here lately, I like my job though. but i'm not totally sure if its what I want. will i ever really be sure though? thats what I'm afraid of. I wish i could get paid to change my mind, if i did, i would be really well off.
But, what do i want to go to school for? thats a huge question now. There is definitely more to life than pinching pennies to buy your next gas fill up. I just don't know where to find it. I don't want to do what others are doing, but i cant think of anything that I could do to still be... me... and be happy and comfortable. but you definitely cant be nothing. I guess we will see what happens over the next while. If i am not pleased well... then on to something different. dammit, i will be a professional of some kind, someday.
I really do enjoy sitting and just typing. it seems to make everything clearer. I once joked that i should go to fashion design school.. ahaha, maybe i will. maybe my name will soon be on your underwear, or tucked along the lining of your shirt.. haha we'll see. hell, maybe i'll join up with one of these get rich quick schemes, and be able to pwn the wurld. haha. hell, the other night, i had a dream that carlton sheets showed me how to get a loan from a bank, buy a cheap house and sell it for 10x what i bought it for... now, if i could do just that. I woke up then, listening to the all famous infomercial.
I guess i just really need support. support that i may not be getting. or support that i am getting, and just not noticing. or still yet, maybe im getting the support, know im getting the support, and still yet reject it. I guess my biggest dissapointment at this time is just not having anyone to share my life with. then again, who would want it.
<3billy |
